The Distance

I have been thinking about this for a very long time. It was clear to me that my younger brother's smoking habit has definitely put a strain on his relationship with me & wai (3rd elder bro).

From Left: Farhan, Aping & Jai

Spending days with him at the popular resort, he would suddenly walked off from the group (his two friends Farhan, Jai & i) after consuming some food and he would be gone for a few minutes.

I've been around smokers. i knew their habit & THAT is one of them. They had to have their fix of the stick right after food. I guess i do have a double standard on this matter. I tried those ciggies before & apart from the smelly smoke. The slow exhale & inhale of the stuf is kind of relaxing after a stressfull day.

The thing i hate most is the feeling of being left out of the smoking group. They would politely go off somewhere & leave me with my thoughts. There was a time when all he wanted to do was follow me around & i am the one who ditched him.

Nowadays, it was hard to make him to the simplest thing. He would accompany his friends to the bus stop & didn't give a shit about me when i was leaving. Saying i'm old enough to go by myself. It's not about that, it's about being courteous. I would go with him if the situations is reversed. He would go off at nite after dinner pretending to find some place outside to read. I mean, give me a break.. what better place is there to read than in the room and on the soft comfy bed.

Aping after his wandering starring at the indoor coaster

It was fun when we dine together at Burger King. Where he started talking about what he actually do during training. Eventhough all i heard was computer.. programming...application... & web engineer. Then comes the time for the ciggy break. He took the video cam and pretended to go off wandering around in search of something to snap. He's a lousy liar. I always have hope that he would one day quit. But now, i don't think that he will.

PapaRoach & Aping Coming to Town

I have been wanting to take leave for a very long time now.. so i have decided to get it on the 4-6th of August 2010 (Wed- Friday) and follow PapaRoach & Aping to Genting.. which i think that they planned on staying there on that date..

I will have to rush my work ( sub- contractor's claim & Main Con Claim) for early August as well as end of August (sub-contractors claim) for the Medan trip...

PapaRoach & Aping will be coming on a Sunday & will be staying somewhere in Star Hill.. i'm not gonna be staying with them there though... the hotel looks kinda shady for me.. & small... i'm not even sure if they have car parks for guests..

I might even drive over to Genting if i manage to borrow Pang Ko's GPS...2 more weeks to go..~~!! wohoo...

Stupid Reason for Tears

He took MC today.. and just like a couple of time before...he just sent me a text..

'Debbie, i mc today, sick already. Pls inform boss and ms tan. Sorry ya'- 8:09AM 18/6/2010.

I got a little upset about it 'coz it's Friday & there's the weekly meeting... & i am sure Ah Soh (another colleague based on site) will definitely ask me to go for the meeting. So i ask him to ask Soh to go for the weekly meeting. And he said ok. I was still not relieved, 'coz i know Soh is going to call and ask me to go instead..

Even though i expected it, I was so pissed off when Soh called a while after. It's not that i don't want to share the work load at site with him, it's just that i know that the questions that those people were going to ask has got something to do with site inspections & everything that is going on at site.. which i don't know a thing about. That will result in me being 'eff' during meeting... i don't want that to happen.. i felt like i am the sacrificial lamb to take all the bullets in for him....

I was a little bitchy yesterday... may be it's nearing that time of the month for me.. and i just about had it when huey fen rejected boss's offer to go and eat japanese food (specifically the Rm18-26 small salad) at Rakuzen. Saying that it's too far... Come on... it's not like he was asking her to drive & pay..!!... Why would she passed up the opportunity to unwind when all she had been doing all day was complain about how much work she had...So i just left the office in a very pissed off mood....tearing for stupid reasons.. i was so mad.. i thought about home and my families... realising that i missed them...

Kang called with baby on the line while i was in the movie on a Wednesday night.. I missed out on the chance to talk baby talk to baby.. i called a little later after the movie... but baby has gone to sleep...~~....

Baking & Cooking..

I'm so amazed that Brenda (Sis in Law) is very talented in Baking & Cooking...

I'm always hungry after reading her blog... I wanted to eat her blog..hehe.. even the pictures look delicious....


http://my-sweet-kitchen.blogspot.com/- Brenda's baking & cooking Blog...

I don't know if i am the baking & cooking type... but maybe someday.. i might enjoy baking for someone i love....right...

And when that day finally comes.. hopefully i'll be as good as her or my mom .. hehe....~ :)...

Run along...little boy...

They say that time heals everything... it's been a couple of weeks... but it still hasn't heals a damn thing... it's getting worse... now that i have time to mull over the fact that he is really not here anymore... i've never been able to mourn before this... gratefull that a busy work schedule has kept me from thinking about him...

But when all seemed to be on a standstill or when i was driving home at nite after work... that's when i get to imagine all the stuff that he has gone through in his final hour.... i always slowed down when i reach 110km/h.... advising my friends and colleagues not to drive too fast...
Never have i ever thought that i would write this kind of post so early after the previous ones about the elders....

Let alone about him... the second youngest in our generation....


http://castleabet.blog.friendster.com/2007/07/deathmy-side-of-the-story/ - About Kong Kong...

I heard about his accident in Kangar from MamaRoach early in the morning like around 6am on a Thursday 20th August '09... U c, when MamaRoachcalled, it was usually something very important.. she never called just to say 'Hi'... heard that it was serious and that he was in the ICU... it was Thursday.... Una & I planned to go visit him during the weekend.. since i am all tied up in work and meetings...


I didn't even know that he got accepted in UNIMAP... i haven't even got the chance to think of all the possible things that we might've done now that i have another cousin studying here in the Eastern side of the country..


Anyway, I have high hope that he can pull through from his injuries.. i believe in him and that the BIG GUY will protect him... after hearing that he had undergone a blood clot operation....i knew it has something to do with head injuries.. but i still wanted to believe that it could be some other less vital organ.. like his fingers or toes..


Then on Friday night, Inden told me that his blood pressure is stable & the doctor gave him 48hours to see if he can make it or not... i was relieve to hear that.... Carol & Aunty were already flying over frm KL-Perlis at 8.15pm..


Then, sometime around 8.30pm ... all hell broke loose... the nite became darker than it ever was... I couldn't believe what i'm hearing from Una... i knew when the call came, that it won't be a good news....


I called Khiong up coz he asked me to update him on his conditions... i tried not to break... but i couldn't help it... Khiong was cool.. told me not to believe what people write about him in your Facebook comments... Lucky i called Khiong, he wouldn't let people know that i cried while i called him with the news... hehe...:)....


Then, it became official when Wai said that Aunty Alini received a call from Perlis from a friend of his... it was really hard to take...


Aping asked me to called him... so i did... it was obvious that he was still crying when he answered... he couldn't keep it together too... we talked for a very short time.. and hung up after just a few minutes.. afraid that his voice might break.. gratefull that he did so when mine already did... Among others that contacted me or i contacted them.. Kang, Connie (his sis), Etet, Inden, Grace...


So we (Una, Pang Ko & I) booked tickets home on Saturday.. damn expensive tickets almost RM700.. but it was all worth it... to be able to send him off... I hated the image i had of him on that day... the person lying there didn't looked like him at all.. wish i can forget all that and just remember him while we were on our previous CNY together (also in 2009)... i hated the black suits that they put him in... i hated the brown lines.. i hated that he looked all swollen up & the wrap around his head... and the parted lips....


A lot of cousins were presents... even those that never come home for CNY for the past few years were there...:)...like Udean & Jerry..:)....


It was raining when we arrived... they put up tents and a few chairs & tables for your friends & families....The first thing that i saw when i reached was a photo of his smiling face on the table crammed together with the incense, chinese red candles, a few chicken & meat of unknown origins... he was placed exactly where Nenek Dusun was...


I really couldn't seem to walk over and look at him... I don't want to see what he look like now... but i did anyway.. didn't want to miss the chance to see him for the last time...

I joined in the others (cousins) burning hell money around a biscuit can that's already full with ashes burned non-stop since his arrival...

I saw Una there...saying that she also haven't build up the courage to go and see him... I thought she already did since i took my time getting to his house... her eyes were red...

I tried to go up a couple of times... but i couldn't.. not just yet... i spilled a few tears while sitting around the fire with Karen, Induk, Atet, Loveth, Nani, Connie & whoever else was there... I never cried in front of them before... but i did that day... aiya.. kin malu ja...

The funny thing is.. they purposely asked me questions about my recent trip to Perth while my eyes and nose were still running... hehe... well you know them... and i answered them in all my snot & tears... laughing while doing so... I never approached his mom & dad.. i talked to Carol.. but not about him... she seemed so fragile... Connie was a lot stronger... a little sleep deprived though..

I saw his best friend there... Kevin... whom i found out that he is also related to Linah... :).. Inden introduced herself to him while we (the families) were all gather round with incense i our hand... i guess we considered him as family since he might consider him as a brother... he was there for him the whole way through... Aping, Mal, Drake & Bun almost missed out on the procession... all because they were up late the day before burning incense and only got to sleep for a few hours.... the uncles have to go up and woke them up... actually we were all sleep deprived.. but it was fun hanging out... Ben& wife, Brelly, Jessy, Kelek, Debbie & probably Donna was there too until after 4 or 5 am... we fueled up on coffee & porridge (i never tried the porridge)..


I realised that we're not even that close... but we are family... and he is someone with a very bright future ahead... a future that is irrelevant now that he is no longer with us...

To be frank.. his funeral procession was the fastest one that i've ever been to...

We were not allowed to take part in the incense burning after the burial & we were asked to go back right after they lowered down his coffin.. i mean.. what la......? Tradition says that those older than him are not allowed to send him off... Even those borned in the year of the Dragon was not allowed to follow the ceremony... Their limit was until the cemetery main gate...Everyone was a little irritated with the traditions that day...
But he was not alone..A lot of his friends were present.. even the Scout 01 accompanied by Skip Dollah... whom arrived early in the morning to present him his Rover Badge... I'm really grateful that they were there when we couldn't....

I arrived just in time to see that the guys were strategizing on how to carefully lower down his coffin.. well he has a good spot too... on the left side of the hill where Kong2, Nenek Dusun & Nenek Cina rest... then i have to turn around and walked away without looking back.. i did threw away the red packet.. stupid of me to throw away the 20cents in the red packet too.. huhu..

We went back to Kong2's house and waited for Karen there.. they get to watch until someone threw the first handfull of sand on his coffin... Karen told me that Carol kept trying to look back.. she wanted him to follow her home.. refusing to throw away the red packet.. after much persuasion from Karen & Inden & others (i dont know who).. she finally gave in... it really breaks my heart when Karen told me this...

The aunties told stories about him after the burial... story was.. he kept saying strange things while he  was still around.. why did he do that...? He had lots of plans.. for his mom... for Etet's wedding.... Why did he had to say such things... ? He should reply Bun's or his friend's messages when they asked him what time will he be back from him Shisha session that nite....

Then, that was it.. we packed our stuff and went back to KK..
I did manage to hang with Induk, Isut, Aping, Karen, Wai, Brenda & Baby that last nite in KK... talked more about him... and the next day of my flight to KL.. Isut, Inden, Aping & I went out for lunch and... guess what we did..?.. talked more about him.. hehe... until the tears started creeping up.. we left the place...
So, after just spending 1 nite in Ranau.. and another nite at KK... i was off to KL again...
Bringing all the memories i had of him of that day.... it will be forever burned in my limited mental capacity... of how his friend gently brushed her hands on the coffin glazzing.. of how his mom cried & wailed.. i shut myself off completely when it was his mom't turn circling the coffin.. i don't want to listen to what she has to say about him.. i can't even control myself...

I was standing next to Ojoy... and she too couldn't take it... I saw how his girlfriend who was supported by her other friend (the last in line).. cried over him.. how.. his friend kissed their fingers and brushed it on the coffin glazzing...
After all these...I still feel that he is still with us... studying in Perlis.. & i couldn't wait to get back to Sabah for CNY and our next CNY Poring trip together... though... surely the memories of him will never be forgotten if we ever go there again...
I am a family oriented person.. i love all family get together.... I somehow wonder why someone would shut themselves away from their families... 'coz in the end FAMILY is all we have got when all else is gone....
P/S: Sorry no pic for this post... minta c Jeremy...

Not him....

I've just reached ranau...apa la c kang... i thought dia pandai bawa p makan...

My PapaRoach masak half boiled eggs & bought char kuey for me... i ate some of aping's kon lo mee hun...

The reason for me being back now... is not of a celebratory occasion... rather a sending off of a beloved cousins....

I haven't went to Calvin'c house.... i needed to steel myself before hand....

k...la...