Venting out Frustration

I hate that all these sadness comes from knowing too much of whats happening. Sometimes i wish i was oblivious to the happenings around me. Maybe then i won't be in such a shitty mood.

I wish that i don't care, i wish that i'm not jealous. But again and again the lopsidedness of the situations are begining to drag me down a few levels. I sometime wish that i don't need this job and the money it promises. I don't have any friends, my colleages are not my friends as they will ditch me when their friends are calling. My cousins are not my friends as they have their own family. I sometimes wish that i can pretend that everything is all bright and sunny in my world but it never was. I sometimes wish that i am staying in my own house and walk to the kitchen and make me a bowl of cereal without having to worry about people looking at me bawling my eyes out crying.

I kept hoping that maybe next time it will be my turn to go to China, but it never will be. Why am i the only one who cares about how my boss is feeling. I know its because i knew how it felt to be left out and i wouldn't wish that on anybody else if i cam help it. But why should i be the one who kept entertaining him while the other two can simply said they have plans. Even ordering food need to wait for the colleague! I came early or on time because i myself don't like people waitimg om me adm vice versa. What's so difficult in ordering food?! Next time i will take my time. Let them wait for me. Next time i'll say i have plans. Let them entertain boss. Next time i'll come in late to office and make use of the flexibility. They have 5 days e tra leave? Next time i'll go back sharp at 5.30pm. He wants them in charge? I'll make sure i asked them to sign off everything. But how can i ask them to when both of them won't be around to approved everything the whole week next week. There goes the waterworks again.*sigh. 

Why do i try to do good? I know i am not a good person. 

How should i act when they started to post pictures while they were there? Should i respond?

The first time this happened i cried as well and contemplated on why he he chose my junior over me? I gave myself all the reason that i can think of. My ex- Manager left i think partly because of this. I'm sure my tendering manager will take some time to brainwash me on her take on this as well. But i don't need any from her coz i already am feeling and seeing the obvious.

I came as low as wishing their plane crash. This was as low as i get when i was in secondary school wishing i had a machine gun and gunned down everyone. I came to a realization that i don't want that at all coz i don't want to lose any of them coz i love them too much.

There must be a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes in this post. I can't see too well at this time. I'll fix 'em later though.